I could be Smeagol.
Or Gollum as he is known to his frienemies

skinny as all get out,
bad posture,
no chest
big eyes
I’d have those teeth if I didn’t have a sweetheart of a dentist

We’ve got to stop making value judgements about body styles. Skinny is no better or worse than fat. Curvy is no better or worse than strong or weak or thin or green. And women are the worst culprits. Start with your best friends. Look at them without those filters of what they “should” look like. And if you do it right, maybe it will be easier to be pleasing to your own eye. Which is what we need.

I wish we could just start there. From square one. What you look like is just fine. Don’t believe otherwise. Anyone who says differently is not seeing you. They are parrotting fads and fashion, which do not last and have nothing to do with value. So stop that kind of thinking in its tracks.

————

I blame social pressures. But if that’s to change I have to start internally. Shedding those (now) internalized expectations. Replace what society currently states every single day. – with something more accurate. Hopefully more humane. Changing my head allows for social change. We _are_ society. And not “buying in” counts.

I can go on and on about aesthetics. What constitutes “beauty” has to be cross cultural to have any relationship with truth. If current art practices have anything to say, its the unexpected that is beautiful. The differences. True beauty lands beyond standardization. We can measure and talk about it and compare all we want. But ultimately – beauty is nearly the opposite of attractive.

Or so I think
At the moment

Ok. I have worn patchouli so long its ridiculous. But I might switch to this.

Paper Passion Fragrance Helps You Smell Like An Old Book
Just admit it. We’ve all opened up that old book with the worn spine and discolored…
www.huffingtonpost.com

——————-

New book actually
Dave has always called patchouli “dusty couch”.

Know why men like women wearing leather?
They smell like a new car.

I am also quite fond of the smell of varnish and paint
gasoline.
diesel on a cold foggy day, smells like the Bahamas in the winter.
Tarred marlin, creosote
Ohhh Smoke!! Love the smell of smoke. I’ll sit on the downside of the fire just to get the smell of smoke in my hair. Eyes stinging and all.

“Don’t cry when I die
When it’s my time I probably won’t die
I’ll just lie down and close my eyes
And think about stuff

These eyes got too wide seen too much of life’s goodbyes
Should have spent less time making loot
And spent more time in my birthday suit with you”

Words from “You Can Finally Meet My Mom” by Train.

Not all moms have kids.
Not all kids had moms.
Some dads are moms.
For all the “others”
Happy Mother’s day

———

I’m hardly the motherly type.
More the do-what-you-want-to-do-and-I’m-on-your-side type.
And do it now.

Or the I’ll-hide-and-watch type.

I’m pretty sure there’s a freaked out bird living inside me. The rest of us think she’s funny.

Ok. I’m all nervous here.
When I get to meet all y’all just be aware im different in “real life”. No I’m not saying my real name is Bob, and I’m from Bangaladesh…
But
I’m all quiet and corner of the room. Not very talkative, mostly happy to just listen to the conversation and later I’ll mull it over and think of something interesting and uhh why didn’t I ask that… I get all tongue tied in a group.

I have a thing for matching things up. I think that’s how collecting gets started. Anyway, I have a particular interest in art. And I would give you each a piece that I think you’d like as a gift. This morning I woke up to a Maxfield Parrish sky.

I’ve only purchased a couple of pieces of art.

But I do have some excellent pieces, from family. Most original artworks are out of my range financially. I’m cheap. And think do I really want that or would I rather have … software – or say a dog. 😉

The big thing for me and art is how it makes me think. Outside of my box. Rather like reading tarot. Or throwing bones.

And good art opens up whole canyons. Different each time. Each experience.

The same with some antiques. And textiles. Which I have purchased. Frequently. That kinship with the artist and their passion exists for me there as well.

On being cheap… I had a rule for years if it was over 5 bucks I won’t get it. So I can spend a dollar 5000 times. But $500? Whoa. No way. Freaks me out.

We two are list makers.

Dave notes this trip we went through our first tunnel in the coach.

This trip we’ve taken the coach from Texas through Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Arkansas, Oklahoma again, and back to Texas. So we’ve got 5 states now.

Dave says about our previous coach we bought it in Oklahoma and drove it 7000 miles in Texas over the two years we had it.

Dave has a logbook going with every tank of fuel listed. And every addition/upgrade/repair. An old fashioned spiral notebook. He’s the pen and paper guy.

I have spreadsheets of everything in the coach and where it’s kept. Updated whenever I please because it’s not for actual use, its just entertainment. Lists for pleasure.

Dave was worried about the weather. Sleet predicted in Branson for the day so we were up early at 6 and skedaddled.

The skies were clear but by the time we got to Fayetteville Arkansas it started raining and has been ever since.

We are heading to Denton today  to see friends for the evening.

Aunt in Kansas city, to friends in Branson and  friends in Denton. From sorrow  to comfort.

In Branson we had a great dinner at the Golden Corral. I’ve never been. Thought it was just another steak place. But no, its a smorgasbord of a buffet. I was actually hungry for the first time this year, and had:

fried rice, eggroll, chili,guacamole,  meatloaf, green beans, mac and cheese, and that was my first plate. Then carrot cake, fresh pineapple, peaches, pears, mandarin oranges. Then a little steak, which was nearly perfect at medium rare instead of rare, and potatoes. It was like thanksgiving. I ate till I hurt. And it was wonderful!

I know you don’t believe it. But it’s true.

Dave has a gps. I have the map running on my phone. But we both were uncertain as we got to Fort Smith about the route they were taking us. Wanted us to take I40. After consulting with a paper map the machines rerouted us back on track to I40.

One problem with the gps is we get to relying on it and forget to check the overall route before we head out. Another problem with the gps etc is they have a mind of their own. We’ve been tricked before into some weird route that made no sense at all. So we are gun shy.

Personally, I think the equpment is in cahoots. The gps says to the phone: watch this, I’m going to make him do a circle.  And now a triple salchow.  The phone claps her hands and says ohboyohboy!

They do this because we who-think-we-know-so-much make fun of them. Dave starts mimicking the phone as she talks us through Fort Smith. Dave’s robot accent is just like his French accent and his Irish accent, it’s all Japanese to him.

So we entertain ourselves.

Wake up at 6:15 to Dave’s alarm.
It’s 10 degrees out. Yay!
No snow. Boo.
Ice on the inside of the windows. Yay!

I walk Clare because Dave hates hates hates the cold. And I equally love it. It’s glorious out. Sliver of a moon, sun starting to rise. Truck city.

I’ve been thinking about Bridgit.

Previously, on Saturday, Dave and I got to Martha’s room about 11:00 before everyone else got in. She was sitting up in bed, dressed and happy to see us. But she would have a couple of sentences then doze off. I told her Delbert would be here in a while, how ’bout she take a nap? Ok.  Martha was sleeping soundly as I sat in the chair at the foot of her bed Dave sat in the corner. To my way of thinking this is great. I can be quiet and wait forever. Dave’s good, he’s had lots of experience in hospitals. When you wake up in a fog and see someone who loves you, its like a shot of comfort and you can go back to sleep feeling safe.

A knock at the door and it’s Bridget. She was definitely not happy to see us. Bridget is Martha’s housekeeper and has brought her makeup and clothes. Bridget talks to Martha and ignores us as best she can, monosyllabic to us, full-on pay-attention-to-me conversation with Martha. My assessment is Bridget is a cold prickly, which wouldn’t matter to Martha, and Bridget needs to be important. So, hey I can give her that. Pay attention to Bridget. Give her credit.

One of the problems we have at the bedside – so to speak-  is people don’t know what to do with themselves. We want to be a benefit to those we love, everyone does. But how to help? How can we be useful? I think being there is good enough. That loving human presence is sufficient. It must be, it’s all we’ve got in the end.

Everyone who came brought their strength to help. Louise is a nurse practitioner, and basically is a doctor with big doses of practical kindness. She can talk with the nurses and get things done. Delbert is Martha’s brother and closest confidant. Wanda & Delbert have lived next to Martha all their lives. They know her, understand her better than anyone can. Helen grew up with them and is the nearest Martha has to a sister. All Dave and I bring is love and kindness. Hopefully it shows.

Bridget was there again yesterday. She was a complete dragon. She kicked everyone out of the room. Then stood at the head of the wing and warned everyone off Martha’s room. I suppose Martha asked for time alone to rest. Its the best face I can put on Bridget’s behavior. But there are gentler ways. Like, the explanation “Martha wants/needs/asked/ to get some rest.” rather than “don’t go in there” or “stay out”

Chuck (Martha’s son) and I are allowed in the room as (after all) we were there to take Martha to radiation. We’re making conversation, Chuck shows me a cool pen he has, made by smith & wesson. It has a great feel, good weight, and lots of whistles and bells. I offer it to Bridget who is sitting next to me. She says to the window “I saw it” wont take it from me, doesn’t touch it. Doesnt look at me.

I have cooties. 🙂

So, I set again to make sure she knows I appreciate her worth. But I’m a non starter. Nothing I say engages her. She is eye on the prize. And I am no prize for Bridget.

I finally peg her as the mercenary. She”s paid for certain things. And polite is not in her arsenal. I am in her way. Bridget is simply interested in her next job. No manners or kindness for anyone else who isn’t directly associated with her paycheck. She is all smiles for the people who might be of use to her. But otherwise – you don’t exist.

Its good to know where you stand.

I’m the same way.  I’m right there with Bridget ignoring everything else when I’m on task working with computers because it’s how my head gets engaged. And I love the work. But I also know that’s messy, and try to clean up my social messes later when I can.

learn something every day

Life is interesting.

And lots of fun.

We are in Kansas City and Dave discovered the other day that there is a leaking wheel seal on the coach. He called Freightliner, and they said they could get the coach in to fix it if we would get in today first thing. So crack of dawn we are up and get to the shop around 8:00.

We leave the coach and go on to see my aunt Martha who is in a skilled nursing facility dealing with lung cancer. Martha’s brother and sister-in-law are here, a cousin who is like a sister. Nieces, nephews, etc.  Martha has to have radiation treatment today. She refused the treatment the other day because she is hurting already, and the position they had to put her in for treatment hurt terribly. On a scale of 1-10 she said it was a 15.  We all encouraged and coaxed and cajoled her into trying one more time. Today we get her a combination of pain meds and zanax before she goes to radiation. Cross our fingers it helps.

This whole trip has been rough on everyone. Family members stressed out. Through it all Dave has been wonderful. He’s driven people around. Gotten meals. Taken people to dinner… to get toothbrushes… He’s been unobtrusive, staying out of the way, all the while helping. But he would like to be more help. To be able to fix things.  Ultimately none of this is fixable. But he has given comfort and I think that’s the best we can do.

Meanwhile, around 2:00 Dave checks on the coach and they haven’t started on it. He’s worried about the cold, a coach is not like a truck, there are systems that have to be maintained at a decent temperature, and its cooooold here. In the 20’s.

Martha and her son and I go on to radiation, Martha does great, no pain. So she agrees to do the rest of the treatments. Success! We celebrate with milk shakes from Burger King. Simple pleasures.

Dave finds out at 5:30 that they haven’t started on the coach! Freightliner says to bring it in again “first thing in the morning” and they will get to it. Argh. We go back to the coach. It is freezing ass cold out here. The coach is solid cold inside. We and decide, ok, we will just spend the night here, then we will be here already “first thing in the morning”.

I’m excited. This is so neat. I get to spend the night in a parking lot for the first time, something I’ve been wanting to do forever. We are surrounded by a hundred semi trucks. Our “big” coach looks like a toy here. Its no problem for me, but Dave has to figure out how to make the whole thing work. We’re boondocking in the middle of Kansas City.

So tonight we have the generator running, three space heaters on, electric blanket on high and finally the coach is warming up to normal operating temperature. We’ve had leftover pizza for dinner and chocolate for dessert. Hah. Dave says it will be noisy with the generator. I don’t care. It’s fun!

I’m so happy. About Martha, about getting to spend the night boondocking, about having the best husband in the world. (And possible snow, but don’t tell Dave)  I’ll have to take a benadryl to get to sleep tonight.

Life is good.

The drive to the B33 was easy with Linda leading the way. I just followed her like a puppy dog.

wind turbines near Gregory TX

Near Gregory there is a huge windfarm with hundreds of wind turbines. I kept trying to take a picture of the windmills in the sunset, they look so graceful.

Dinner with the six of us. Wayne and Linda are the best of hosts. Wayne cooked corn on the cobb and chicken on the grill. Dave got potato salad and coleslaw. Along the way we realize the second refrigerator was off. Moving food out of that freezer into the main one and so sad, a gallon of bluebell ice cream is now liquid. Tammy saw me pouring the last of it down the drain and yelped. “We could always drink it!” Too late.

Tammy is a terror where ice cream is concerned. 🙂 And bluebell is her favorite.

Dinner was great. Conversation even better. Lee tells the best stories.  And we had rocky road ice cream for dessert, so Tammy was even happier.

Conversations at the table still going. I’m off to bed. Life is grand.

Sunny day at the coast. Which trips everyone’s trigger but mine.

Clare and I are by ourselves at Camp Cobb this afternoon. Dave and Wayne are on their way to the B33 with Wayne’s airstream. We follow them later today. Tammy and Lee will meet us there this evening in their airstream. So lots of people and lots of fun ahead.

Wish Elaine were with us. If I’m lucky she will be back for Mardi Gras at Port A.

Meanwhile its a slow lazy day for me. Nap!

Just in time for Elaine’s flight- the sun comes out.

8:00 pm. Sun’s down. Working on taxes – just because it needs doing. :/
Not that I’m a glutton for punishment or anything.
Once those are done I’ll feel better.

Elaine is flying home today.
Bummer

Rain and fog which makes things better. At least for me.

We are socked in. Yay.
Probably have to play cards. Yay.
Elaines leaves tomorrow.  Boo.

Today I kept trying to get a walk in with Elaine, but it kept raining on us. Mist and rain off and on all day.  Only the occasional blue sky peeking through. We’d go out, thinking it was ok, then it would start raining harder. Duck back into the coach.

So, we made the best of it and Elaine taught me card games. “Liverpool rummy” is my current favorite. “Spite and Malice” which I have to practice as I keep losing to her. And “hand and foot.” We played cards so long my thumbs were sore from shuffling. So we change to dominos for a bit. Partly so I can win something. Elaine is a wicked card player. I can happily play all day long so it was paradise for me.

Then evening with 9 people at Wayne and Linda’s new to them airstream trailer parked next to us. Drinks and nibbles and stories. All in all good times.